Before I begin, let’s all be honest with ourselves: Aside from the great music, we’re more inclined to attend music festivals if we know attractive women will be in attendance. Sure, it sounds ridiculous, but the thought of finding our true love, soul-mate, booty call or one-night stand in a sea of Childish Gambino fans is pretty wonderful.
So you wanna pick up chicks at ACL Fest this weekend? Here’s some advice from your friends at Red River Noise.
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1. Wear clothing identical to the performers’. If you look even remotely similar to an artist or have the bandmate “look,” you can expect a few curious glances in your direction. “Hey doesn’t that guy look like a member of so-and-so band,” you may overhear someone asking. As soon as you hear that, go in for the kill.
2. Buy them drinks … plenty of drinks. Women like free stuff, especially in the form of an alcoholic beverage. As long as you keep supplying the drinks, your chosen lady will stay by your side, laughing at your horrible jokes and watching a band that she probably never knew existed.
3. Lurk around AVICII’s set. At least with AVICII’s set, you will not need to worry about pretentious hipster girls. Sure, you’ll have to endure a crowd of shirtless, fist-pumping bros. But after a few minutes, you will hopefully come across a few neon-clad ladies, more than willing to get a good feeling with you. (See what I did there?!)
4. Hook them up with weed. A large portion of people enjoy smoking weed, especially at music festivals. Find a girl laying down in the grass, pass her a pipe and watch the magic unfold. She’ll be holding your hand, singing The Shins’ “New Slang” in no time.
5. Get them into an ACL after-party. So, you don’t have any leverage or hook-ups at ACL. But you know that one guy, who knows that one bartender, who knows that one security guard at Emo’s, and they can get you in. Take her with you and pretend to be hot shit; trust me, the words “guest listed” are an instant panty-dropper.
6. If you are a black hipster, lie and say you’re Donald Glover’s cousin. Just to see if it would work, I once told someone I was Donald Glover’s cousin at last year’s Fun Fun Fun Fest. She bought it, and throughout the whole night she was tugging my arm, hoping I would introduce her to Glover. IT NEVER HAPPENED. For some strange reason, people believe that all black hipsters are related to one another. Use their ignorance to your advantage.
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There you have it! If you want to get with chicks at ACL, these are the rules to follow. You’ll have plenty of women at your disposal to try these on, and you have three days to do it. Go out and make us proud.
* EDITOR’S NOTE: RED RIVER NOISE IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EMBARRASSMENT YOU FEEL IF (WHEN) YOU ARE INEVITABLY REJECTED AND/OR LAUGHED AT. ALSO, DRINK (AND SMOKE) RESPONSIBLY.
* WANT THE LADIES’ TAKE ON DITCHING DUDES AT ACL? CLICK HERE.